(Translated from Bengali)
A man presented himself to be blessed by a sight of the Deity. He had an excess of joy and devotion at the sight; and perhaps to pay back the good he received, he burst out into a song. In one corner of the hall, reclining against a pillar, was Chobeji dozing. He was the priest in the temple, an athlete, a player on the guitar, was a good hand in swallowing two jugfuls of Bhāng [1] , and had various other qualifications besides. All on a sudden, a dreadful noise assailing his tympanum, the fantastic universe conjured up under the influence of the inebriating liquor vanished for a moment from Chobeji’s enormous chest of two and forty inches! And casting his crimson-tinged, languid eyes around in search of the cause of disturbance to his tranquil mind, Chobeji discovered that in front of the God was a man singing, overwhelmed with his own feelings, in a tune as touching as the scouring of cauldrons in a festive house, and, in so doing, he was subjecting the shades of the whole host of musical masters like Nārada, Bharata, Hanumān, Nāyaka, and the rest to ineffable anguish. The mortified Chobeji in a sharp reprimanding tone addressed the man who had been the direct obstacle to his enjoyment of that peculiar bliss of inebriation, “Hallo, my friend, what are you shouting like that for, without caring for time or tune?” Quick came the response, “What need I care for time or tune? I am trying to win the Lord’s heart.” “Humph!” retorted Chobeji, “do you think the Lord is such a fool? You must be mad! You could not win my heart even—and has the Lord less brains than I?”

ⓘ[1] An intoxicating drink.

The Lord has declared unto Arjuna: “Take thou refuge in Me, thou hast nothing else to do. And I shall deliver thee.” Bholāchānd is mighty glad to hear this from some people; he now and then yells out in a trenchant note: “I have taken refuge in the Lord. I shall not have to do anything further.” Bholāchānd is under the impression that it is the height of devotion to bawl out those words repeatedly in the harshest tone possible. Moreover, he does not fail to make it known now and then in the aforesaid pitch that he is ever ready to lay down his life even, for the Lord’s sake, and that if the Lord does not voluntarily surrender Himself to this tie of devotion, everything would be hollow and false. And a few foolish satellites of his also share the same opinion. But Bholāchānd is not prepared to give up a single piece of wickedness for the sake of the Lord. Well, is the Lord really such a fool? Why, this is not enough to hoodwink us even!

Bholā Puri an out and out Vedāntin—in everything he is careful to trumpet his Brahminhood. If all people are about to starve for food around Bholā Puri, it does not touch him even in the least; he expounds the unsubstantiality of pleasure and pain. If through disease, or affliction, or starvation people die by the thousand, what matters even that to him? He at once reflects on the immortality of the soul! If the strong overpower the weak and even kill them before his very eyes, Bholā Puri is lost in the profound depths of the meaning of the spiritual dictum, “The soul neither kills nor is killed.” He is exceedingly averse to action of any kind. If hard pressed, he replies that he finished all actions in his previous births. But Bholā Puri’s realisation of unity of the Self suffers a terrible check when he is hurt in one point. When there is some anomaly in the completeness of his Bhikshā, or when the householder is unwilling to offer him worship according to his expectations, then, in the opinion of Puriji, there are no more despicable creatures on earth than householders, and he is at a loss to make out why the village that failed to offer adequate worship to him should, even for a moment, add to the world’s burden.

He, too, has evidently thought the Lord more foolish than ourselves.

“I say, Rām Charan, you have neither education nor the means to set up a trade, nor are you fit for physical labour. Besides, you cannot give up indulging in intoxications, nor do away with your wickednesses. Tell me, how do you manage to make your living?”

RAM CHARAN—“That is an easy job, sir; I preach unto all.”

What has Ram Charan taken the Lord for?

The city of Lucknow is astir with the festivities of the Mohurrum. The gorgeous decorations and illumination in the principal mosque, the Imambara, know no bounds. Countless people have congregated. Hindus, Mohammedans, Christians, Jews—all sorts of people—men, women, and children of all races and creeds have crowded today to witness the Mohurrum. Lucknow is the capital of the Shias, and wailings in the name of the illustrious Hassan and Hossain rend the skies today. Who was there whose heart was not touched by the lamentation and beating of breasts that took place on this mournful occasion? The tale of the Kārbālā, now a thousand years old, has been renovated today.

Among this crowd of spectators were two Rajput gentlemen, who had come from a far-off village to see the festival. The Thakur Sahibs were—as is generally the case with village zemindārs (landlords)—innocent of learning. That Mohammedan culture, the shower of euphuistic phraseology with its nice and correct pronunciation, the varieties of fashionable dress—the loose-fitting cloaks and tight trousers and turbans, of a hundred different colours, to suit the taste of the townsfolk—all these had not yet found their way to such a remote village to convert the Thakur Sahibs. The Thakurs were, therefore, simple and straightforward, always fond of hunting, stalwart and hardy, and of exceedingly tough hearts.

The Thakurs had crossed the gate and were about to enter the mosque, when the guard interrupted them. Upon inquiring into the reasons, he answered, “Look here, this giant figure that you see standing by the doorway, you must give it five kicks first, and then you can go in.” “Whose is the statue, pray?” “It is the statue of the nefarious Yejid who killed the illustrious Hassan and Hossain a thousand years ago. Therefore is this crying and this mourning.” The guard thought that after this elaborate explanation the statue of Yejid was sure to merit ten kicks instead of five. But mysterious are the workings of Karma, and everything was sadly misunderstood. The Thakurs reverentially put their scarfs round their neck and prostrated and rolled themselves at the feet of the statue of Yejid, praying with faltering accents: “What is the use of going in any more? What other gods need be seen? Bravo Yejid! Thou alone art the true God. Thou hast thrashed the rascals so well that they are weeping till now!”

There is the towering temple of the Eternal Hindu Religion, and how many ways of approaching it! And what can you not find there? From the Absolute Brahman of the Vedāntin down to Brahmā, Vishnu, Shiva, Shakti, Uncle Sun, [1] the rat-riding Ganesha, and the minor deities such as Shashthi and Mākāl, and so forth—which is lacking there? And in the Vedas, in the Vedānta, and the Philosophies, in the Purānas and the Tantras, there are lots of materials, a single sentence of which is enough to break one’s chain of transmigration for ever. And oh, the crowd! Millions and millions of people are rushing towards the temple. I, too, had a curiosity to see and join in the rush. But what was this that met my eyes when I reached the spot! Nobody was going inside the temple! By the side of the door, there was a standing figure, with fifty heads, a hundred arms, two hundred bellies, and five hundred legs, and everyone was rolling at the feet of that. I asked one for the reason and got the reply: “Those deities that you see in the interior, it is worship enough for them to make a short prostration, or throw in a few flowers from a distance. But the real worship must be offered to him who is at the gate; and those Vedas, the Vedānta, and the Philosophies, the Purānas and other scriptures that you see—there is no harm if you hear them read now and then; but you must obey the mandate of this one.” Then I asked again, “Well, what is the name of this God of gods?” “He is named Popular Custom”—came the reply. I was reminded of the Thakur Sahibs, and exclaimed, “Bravo, Popular Custom! Thou hast thrashed them so well”, etc.

ⓘ[1] The Sun is popularly given this familiar appellation.

Gurguré Krishnavyāl Bhattāchārya is a vastly learned man, who has the knowledge of the whole world at his finger-ends. His frame is a skeleton; his friends say it is through the rigours of his austerities, but his enemies ascribe it to want of food. The wicked, again, are of opinion that such a physique is but natural to one who has a dozen issues every year. However that may be, there is nothing on earth that Krishnavyāl does not know; specially, he is omniscient about the flow of electric magnetic currents all over the human body, from the hair-tuft to its furthest nook and corner. And being possessed of this esoteric knowledge, he is incomparably the best authority for giving a scientific explanation of all things—from a certain earth used in the worship of the goddess Durgā down to the reasonable age of puberty of a girl being ten, and sundry inexplicable and mysterious rites pertaining to allied matters. And as for adducing precedents, well, he has made the thing so clear that even boys could understand it. There is forsooth no other land for religion than India, and within India itself none but the Brahmins have the qualification for understanding religion and among Brahmins, too, all others excepting the Krishnavyāl family are as nothing and, of these latter again, Gurguré has the pre-eminent claim! Therefore, whatever Gurguré Krishnavyāl says is self-evident truth.

Learning is being cultivated to a considerable extent, and people are becoming a bit conscious and active, so that they want to understand and taste everything; so Krishnavyāl is assuring everybody: “Discard all fear! Whatever doubts are arising in your minds, I am giving scientific explanations for them. You remain just as you were. Sleep to your heart’s content and never mind anything else. Only, don’t forget my honorarium.” The people exclaimed: “Oh, what a relief! What a great danger did really confront us! We should have had to sit up, and walk, and move—what a pest!” So they said, “Long live Krishnavyāl”, and turned on one side on the bed once more. The habit of a thousand years was not to go so soon. The body itself would resent it. The inveterate obtuseness of the mind of a thousand years was not to pass away at a moment’s notice. And is it not for this that the Krishnavyāl class are held in repute? “Bravo, Habit! Thou hast thrashed them so well”, etc.